i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
