Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
