I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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