fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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