I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
