I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
