you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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