TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
