you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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