hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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