god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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