You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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