He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
