i wish starbucks made bloody marys
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
