u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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