my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
