I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
