Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
