I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
