I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
