so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How's work?
Spinning.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
