From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
