I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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