my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
