I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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