I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she told me i tasted like america
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
