yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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