I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
