the condom got lost in my hair
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
