when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
