She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
