I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
