My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
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I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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