Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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