so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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