Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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