i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
