Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
