I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
