Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
