Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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