took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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