You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
