We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
