wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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