i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize