you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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