my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
