I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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