Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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