i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
