Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
