I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
