now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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