I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
