I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
