Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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