I want to have your abortion
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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